On the news they keep telling us about climate change and impending power shortages and new strains of flu. The future looks bleak. The future looks dark. Now, I like a good apocalypse story as much as the next person. Looking across my DVDs, there’s a few films up there that involve the end of the world. Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead (original and remake), Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks later, Terminator, The Beyond … actually that’s worrying. Oh, and then there’s all the recent films like The Road and Zombieland, and all the TV Shows like Survivors and Day of the Triffids … and my publisher tells me there’s going to be a slew of post-apocalypse books this year. Phew. So, yeah, I like a good end-of-the-world story and I’ve seen a few. But if there’s one thing I know about the end of the world, it’s this; whether it’s old school Romeroesque slow zombies, the newer more spritely versions, rage victims, flesh-eating plants, aliens, robots from the future, or just plain old human looters left after a killer virus, there’s only one thing you really need to get by. Guns. Yup, guns.
Zombieland rule 9 (and these are comprehensive survival rules) tells us that guns are only for when you’re pinned down -that a toilet lid or a cricket bat doesn’t need to be loaded – but even Shaun Riley eventually had to put down his cricket bat and pick up that Winchester. So I guess we’re pretty much screwed over here in Britain, come the apocalypse, ‘cos we haven’t got any guns.
I watched ‘Survivors’ last week and the most they could muster up was a shotgun without any cartridges. Not gonna shoot many zombies or looters with that, eh? And we can’t even throw records at them, because no one has vinyl these days. Perhaps we can throw our iPods at them. Or our eReaders.
Ah, and now we get to the nub of the problem. You’ll only have one eReader (that you won’t be able to charge ‘cos the electricity is bound to go off eventually). But if you stick to books, just think how many you’ll have and how weighty they’ll be. You can read them whenever you want and…AND… you might not have a loaded shotgun, but you’ll have a shelf full of books just perfect for throwing at zombies. But eReaders? Oh, don’t even get me started on eReaders.
Just in case you need to know, here are the Zombieland Rules